Forever Jazz



 

 

 

My spirit lifts

I hear Billie Holliday

sing the blues...at the sultry,

calming tones.

She speaks to

my soul, where pain and heartbreak lie...

 

There's nothing so hard as loving and losing,

even when everyone says it's better to risk in love.

 

I heart the blues but instead of being

forever in blue, I wish for FOREVER JAZZ!

 

 

 

 

Dreams

 

 

Following my dreams is not easy.

They flow into my direction and I squash them...

Just out of habit-like one would squash a bug pestering them.

 

 

I do not want to turn from the dream of you, however....

 

Your life, your might, the peace you bring to me.

 

You are love and my dream is still to meet you and walk together

in love....

 

 

 

 

Armor

 

 

I'm stripped of my armor and feeling my heart

Who knew it would take the likes of you

to get me back to my soul.

 

Your caring for me came through even after

you rejected me.

 

I feel my heart in a different way.

 

I would like your love but I'm holding on to myself

and won't let anyone knock down my sense of self.

 



Ten Year Old Aliens

Tracy Juniper lived on Diamond Street in South Laguna Beach, California. Her parents had a beachy type of cottage that she grew up in since she was around six years of age. Before that, they all lived in Europe, including her brother, Trent. Tracy wished she had some exotic name, but her parents weren't too creative during her early years of life. Trent and Tracy..how corny, they always thought. Trent was younger than Tracy by four years. he was a tow headed kid-blonde, blonde from the moment he opened his eyes in this world. Tracy had red hair-summer blonde, people liked to say. Her hair was super straight, unlike her blonder than blonde brother-who had a head full of curls.

Tracy was now 19 and still lived at home. Trent was 15. Their parents were two hip hippies that were artists in this unique, but wealthy beach communitmake-up. Actually, she was only turning 45 in a few months. Jesse was 45 too and had a strong build and long, straight hair that fell to his shoulders. They both didn't look like they'd ever been associated with someone named "Trixie."y. Her parents' names were Jesse and Trixie. Another T name! Tracy thought that if she had been named, Beatrix, like her mother , she would keep the formal name. "Trixie" was ridiculous.It sounded like some gum popping waitress on roller skates at some retro diner. her mother was petite, but had thick, thick hair that she tied up in a velvet headband while she worked. She had a bright smile and was known to wear bright, printed clothing...sometimes mixed with denim.
Tracy's friends thought it was funny that she called her family home a cottage. It was very sturdy and an architect's dream. There was wood all around and curtains on the windows, but most of time, the curtains were open to see the jaw dropping view of the ocean. Tracy would never get tired of seeing this view. Her bedroom was faced more toward the trees, but there was a window in her bathroom that captured the sea. Trent got a full view of the ocean from his room, as did their parents.


Today, Tracy got up early, even though it was a Saturday.. She pulled on her bathing suit, a pair of shorts, tank top and dropped into a straw beach bag her wallet, towel, sunscreen, hat and her camera.


She had a 35mm camera with a move-able lens. It was a digital camera, but was designed like a non digital one. She was in a community college class-Photography 101. She had taken pictures all her life. But this was the first level that everyone had to take. Her parents and friends called her, "Ms. Shutterbug." She didn't get defensive about the nickname and it stuck.


Tracy put on tennis shoes and threw a pair of flip flops into her bag. She quickly made her bed.


No one else was up yet. she tiptoed into the huge kitchen, grabbed toast and peanut butter and headed out the door, after writing a note about her where-abouts to her family.


"Be back at 12pm. Gone to beach!-Ms. Shutterbug" She rushed back to her room...to get her cell phone and then she was outside, locking the heavy wooden door behind her.


When Tracy got to the beautiful cove by her house, she stepped into the sand and felt the softness between her toes. She put her multi-colored towel down and then shed off her clothes and ran to the water, putting one toe in....brr. It was cold for May! The she went back to her towel, sat down and took out her camera. She began snapping away. She was close enough to the water's edge. She could see children playing, sand castles being built and the ebb and flow of the waves softly spiraling into the sand. A man walked by her line of vision. He looked her way. he had curly, thick hair and big, wide set eyes. he had on a "Chargers" shirt and short shorts. Tracy didn't consider herself that intuitive, but something didn't sit right when she saw him. She snapped a picture of him when he wasn't looking.


Later, the police in town would ask her how she knew to take a picture. All she could explain to them was that she felt a "vibe", not a great one.


Tracy took a dip in the ocean, dried off and then headed back to her parents' house. She mentioned to her her brother that there was this strange guy on the beach and she got goosebumps and fear scrambled up her spine after he looked at her. Her brother had the TV on. This is unbelievable. Is it this guy? There was a sketched description on the news and it matched her memory of what the man looked like.


"What did he do?" Asked Tracy. Trent looked at her intensely. "He's a rapist, according to Laguna Beach Police. I can't believe you took a picture of him...you could be putting your life in risk!"


"So he's coming after nineteen year old girls?" asked Tracy. "I think any girl, woman.." Trent answered. "So you and your friends and mom are going to have to be super careful. What if this guy comes after you and them?"


"I'm not worried," said Tracy. "I'm going to develop my pictures and then bring them down to the police department."


"Tracy, It may be too late," said Trent in an alarmed tone.


Tracy went into the family dark room. She decided to develop the photos she took. The photo of the man at the beach...came out dark and foreboding.


She let the photo dry, changed into a tank top and skirt...then, when she looked at the print in the light, she saw that there was something in the background... a bright light hanging over the man's left shoulder. She looked closer and saw that it was the face of an alien. She took three raspy breaths, climbed up the stairs and grabbed Trent by the arm. Trent looked at her in shock...


"Trent, he's not a rapist..he's an extraterrestrial!"


He almost looked like he would laugh, but then he saw the picture...


"Then he must have one sadistic twin brother," said Trent.


"That's it!! He has to have a twin brother that's a rapist..or do you think an alien is controlling his behavior?"


"Tracy...really...let the police solve this..they must have some 'Men in Black' swat team!"


Now it was Tracy's turn to stifle a laugh...then, they both heard a crash in their backyard..a gigantic noise of outrageous proportions...it was almost deafening. A huge UFO was in their backyard...and all of a sudden, the man...the man they are planning to turn in...to the police...well, his picture at least..it's him...walking toward the spacecraft out of nowhere...like he's walking toward the bus! And he takes a quick look over his shoulder, with an apple in his hand and the sliding door of the spacecraft opens...no signs of aliens, but a greenish light and then the man is swallowed by the UFO and it shoots up like reversed lightning toward the sky.


Trent and Tracy are now holding each other out of fear and then push each other away..


"You're not really scared are you?" they both ask each other at once..


"So what/who is he?" asked Tracy.


"Some kind of alien or someone who works for aliens?"


Just then the phone rang...fast and shrill. "Bring...Brrring!"


"This is the Laguna Beach Police Department calling...we're calling to see if you've seen a man fitting this description...several women, men, and pets have recently disappeared from our community..."


Tracy interrupted the man on the phone..


"We saw him, but he's not possibly human...he just went up in a spaceship from our backyard..."


"We'll be right there!" shouted Trent into the phone.


He dragged Tracy by her arm. She could barely grab her keys. The police station was in walking distance. They walked in and they noticed there was tension in the air. Police were lined up and held at gunpoint by women and men in big, furry purple uniforms. The faces of these "people" were young looking...almost like ten year old children. Tracy and Trent looked at each other and knew they were the aliens and they looked like Teletubbies!


Tracy quickly handed a head police officer the photo of the man that she snapped the other day.


"He's no rapist! He's an alien! And I think Laguna is going to become drastically underpopulated if we don't stop them!"


The officer looked back at her...stunned.


"He is invincible," Tracy said. "I doubt any bullets will sink into him..." She handed the police officer her picture and she saw that he took out a flashlight that flashed Green, and the man's face turned Green.


"See, Miss. This is an alien detector. If he wasn't an alien, his face would turn purple," said the head police officer...who Tracy learned was named Officer Hanley.


"Well, alright then...my brother and I are going to head out," said Tracy.


"Do as you wish, but the town of Laguna Beach is in extreme trouble and this will take a call to the CIA and all governmental agencies. This is a disaster...similar to a fire or landslide. We need help!"


Before a Teletubby alien could grab either Tracy or her brother, they ran back home. Luckily, their parents were home and they told them the whole story. They turned on the TV and a reporter was in Laguna and ten year old Teletubbies were running after people, but Tracy noticed they were only running after people with stryofoam cups. They would take a cup and swallow it whole.


"Oh wow!" Tracy exclaimed. "They are trying to save the environment! They are eating styrofoam even if it's a detriment to them."


Tracy called the downtown police station and told the chief officer of this recent chain of events. 


"Your doughnuts of glazed and sprinkles are safe. They're after stryofoam. Tell everyone to hide the stryofoam drinks. They are helping us to make sure we use recyclable materials!"


The whole staff of police looked at her in disbelief.


"It's true!" yelled Tracy. 

My Thoughts about You

There's something I can't forget...the way your lips tried sincerely to sound out, pronounce my name. It was coincidental that we met at the campus lounge aka bar with amazing veggie burgers! Over the loud, thumping music...you told me your name..Allen. And my name...Constanuela...you said Constant-wella. It wasn't pretty.

I was walking up to the jukebox and you whistled. I wasn't that dressed up, but I am sure I looked hot. Back in those days, I was wearing miniskirts with boots and  tight tube tops under button down shirts. It would look ridiculous now, but cute then...with my tight abs from swimming and running. My long, black curls surrounded my face and my red, rosy lips looked tough. Except people told me that when I smiled, my whole face transformed and I looked extremely angelic and kind.

A boy walked up to me..not quite a man in many ways. I was 19 and all woman. He was 20 and still very boyish with high top shoes, donning a "Nirvana" t-shirt and Black faded Levis.

You whistled at me right in the middle of a run down campus restaurant pub.  I turned and looked over my right shoulder and was pretty embarrassed. I didn't expect that open kind of hello. You looked at me and made eye contact. You didn't walk away and I started walking backward. A girl to my left smiled and laughed...the place was packed, so it wasn't like many people noticed, but I noticed and those within my two feet radius. You stepped up to the plate...literally, figuratively, and although it was jarring...but looking into your blue, green eyes and  staring at your lopsided, warm grin...I was hooked...and so we dated and eventually settled down together.

We're now living in a house by Bass lake. It's comforting to have you nearby and it's a calm place to live except for the crazy, loud summers when people camp and hike here. I thought we would be a couple of wild things, but here we are...hanging out on a lake..you go work in town and I'm a housewife basically. You don't know, but there's a baby on the way..our baby. I found out it's going to be a boy. I'm sitting outside and the sun ripples through the trees and I feel sensual..wearing my one piece and shorts. I'm only a month pregnant. You have always wanted a child and here's to hoping you will be just as eager as I am to see our first born, but the minute after I have our little one...who I affectionately call, "my heart," I want to move somewhere...not into a loud, crowded city like New York, but at least a bigger town...a place that has some small town charm and open space...and since this place bores me to tears...I don't look forward to our son's reaction. Nature is good, but not if you are wanting raise a little man... while we learn to love one another with that rush of passion again...

Memories of India

I never thought I'd find another family away from my own family in a different country, a different land. We all would never forget that experience....as echoed in many an email from Long Beach, CA to Ahmedabad, India. The effect on many of us volunteers was instrumental to our own growth as lovers of life, of hope, of individuality and connection.

Sitting in a fast food "Natraj Tandoori" restaurant in Southern California. Despite the take out surroundings and Orange tables, booths for families in this middle of a shopping complex, there is still the music in the background (Indian music) and some of the atmosphere and this takes me back to December of 2004. On an adventure..another one after traveling to South Africa with my spirited, humanitarian friends. Why India?

I had this time off around Christmas from the school I work in. It was something incredibly palpable to me..I could already smell the spices in the air, the sweat, the grime, and the flavorful Indian cuisine. My coworkers didn't really understand where I was coming from.

"Why don't you just go to Hawaii?" they asked. "India? Isn't it dangerous there right now?"

I did my research and asked the trip organizers a million and one questions. I finally felt really safe in some sense of the word. i felt right in my heart and it felt not in my best interest to stay home!

As a group, we met fro discussions on what to expect when travelling to a place such as India. We listened to Indian music, learned some Hindu words and learned more about how far Agra was to New Delhi and to Ahmedabad. Soon enough, we were on our way! Somehow the money came through for me to go: a combination of donations, mileage checks and other income. We left from LAX and one of our stops was Taipei, Taiwan and then we stopped in Kuala Lumpur. Some of my fellow travelling companions went to see the Pedronas Towers. i was so sweaty...clothes sticking to my skin. I showered and rested in my hotel room and then met a few friends for a meal. It felt like we were in a different universe. It was quiet and tropical and then it was back to the airport. Next stop....India!!

Family..Lost and Found

Emma was fine just sitting at home out in her garden, underneath trees as high as she could see. She didn't feel she needed traffic, city streets and the excitement, adventure. She sat back in her chair, the sun was shining and she felt the pull of the earthiness of nature all around her...

She didn't need to work. Even thought she was only twenty-five, she had limited chaos in her life and she was happy about this. Her aunt and her had an extraordinary relationship; it was full of deep love and truth. When her aunt, Iris passed away, she left Emma her house in the country. It was out in New Hampshire, away from the city...in a tiny town. Emma was very friendly and had already made friends with her postman, people in town at various shops and restaurants.

This was the life that was originally planned out for her. She grew up in New Jersey-in a busy, Urban area. It was nothing like where she lived now. her parents begged her to stay in New Jersy and go to school...apply to Sarah Lawrence College in New York and not go live at Iris's home, but it was an interesting house. She remembered it. She was always interested in Interior Design and wanted to practice her skills on this beautiful house built in the 1920's and make it cozy and unique for anyone who visited. It was a four bedroom ranch house type of home. Iris also had a Bed and Breakfast a few blocks down that she co-owned with a very sweet, elderly lady named Janice. Emma decided to sell Iris's ownership to Janice. She could own it fully. Her aunt would have approved since it had become very difficult to take care of the house and the bed and breakfast.

Many times, Emma just went to the Bed and Breakfast to bus and serve tables. This way she was able to get to know the locals in town because she worked and go paid being a waitress four to five times a week. She was well known in town and people thought she was wonderful. She wasn't rich. She just had money saved and some her parents were saving for her for college.  She inherited the house only because her mother didn't want it. They all thought it was a little lavish of Iris to give away this house, but she knew that Emma would take very good care of it and that her sister wasn't impressed with the house that the two girls were brought up in since they were babies.

Emma was close to her mom and dad, but even closer to her aunty who was like one of her best friends. They talked and talked about everything from Roses , and all types of flowers to political issues in the world. Emma almost felt like her aunt was like a guardian angel to her.

One day, Emma was outside listening to the frogs in the pond...not too far away from her front door. She thought she saw a flash of White from the corner of her eye. She turned and there was her aunt standing before her clear as day. She had her best Sunday dress on, pearls at her throat and long, curly, blonde hair (similar to Emma's) that fell below her shoulders.

Emma put her hand on her heart  that was beating incredibly fast. Was this really what her aunt? She tried to sound some words outloud, but they didn't leave her lips. She stood there and she felt a whip of wind and her aunt's ghost flew past her, with a smile and disappered from her vision.

Emma's face blanched...she ran and looked into the mirror in the kitchen and her normally tan face was pale white.

"Aunt Iris!" she almost whispered. "You're still here?"

Emma went into her bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her hands on the top of her jeans in worry. Why was this happening? What was going on?. She laid back on her colorful Blue and Green comforter and felt a spirit encircle her. She opened her eyes, but didn't see Iris's ghost. She closed her eyes and saw a movie playing in her mind. Her mom and aunt were young and looked very similar. She could tell who iris was because she had the small birthmark on the right side of her forehead. They were arguing...

"She's mine!" Iris exclaimed.

"Yes, but I can take care of her better. I have a husband. You are an unwed mother and that won't go over well with mom, dad or the church."

Iris and Emma's mom grew up Catholic and there was a lot of shame installed in them while growing up and with all the rules....

Emma opened her eyes and it clicked! Iris was her birth mother! That's why she was given the house and that explained so much that they connected on...

Emma went immediately and called her "mother". Her mom cried and tried to tell her that they had to do what they had to do and that Iris was in no state to handle raising a child when Emma was born.

Emma's mom, Tracy decided to meet her at the house. Emma greeted her "adopted" mom. It was a tear filled greeting full of hugs and regrets. Emma told her mother how Iris's ghost had been showing up. Tracy was shocked and didn't seem to know what to do. She sat on the floor and started crying. Emma put her hand on Tracy's shoulder, but Tracy kept on crying.

"What is it, Mom?"

"Iris wanted to live," said Tracy. "We were all going to meet and discuss how things transpired..."

"But why didn't you?" asked  Emma.

"It was too tough for one thing. Your father is not your father."

"What?" asked Emma.

"He really is your uncle."

"Yikes!" shouted Emma. "Then who is my real dad?"

"Oh Emma! He is travelling all the time for the Peace Corps...here's a letter he wrote to you from Algeria."